


Kid/Reader: Schadenfreude

by Chibitami



Category: One Piece
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Humor, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25758856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibitami/pseuds/Chibitami
Summary: For mooshs-crack-headcanons on Tumblr, to celebrate their 300+ Followers special!Prompt: "Fuck! Ow, that was my dick!"
Relationships: Eustass Kid/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	Kid/Reader: Schadenfreude

Whenever the Kid Pirates have finished ransacking an island and are hauling their newest loot onto the Victoria Punk, the deck of the intimidating ship is littered with all sorts of various treasures, coins, and random junk that the various pirates thought was interesting. Kid's interest in wanton violence and destruction was rivaled only by his interest in all things mechanical; his bedroom on the ship was decorated like a crow's collection of shiny trinkets, with all sorts of gadgets and weapons lining his shelves and every available surface.

____ shoved a heavy crate full of new loot across the deck of the ship while Kid lifted the ship's anchor using his Devil Fruit. While it was filled with a few different items they knew would probably interest Kid, there was one item they had decided to keep for themselves--a wickedly sharp dagger with an ornate carving of a dragon on the handle and sheath. "Hey babe," they called out, trying to hide the knife behind their back with one hand. "You wanna go through this one first?" 

Kid turned around and immediately noticed that one of ____'s hands was behind their back, and he raised an eyebrow. "You wanna tell me what you're hiding, first?"

____ stiffened and self-consciously gripped the blade in their hand. "Uhh...no," they replied awkwardly. "It's nothing, really, just some junk I found on the island." They fidgeted with the loops of their pants and attached the dagger to them.

Kid smirked and headed towards them. "So if it's junk," he said slowly, "You wouldn't mind if I took a look, right?" He noticed that the "junk" was now attached to ____'s backside and, after seeing it glint and shine in the sunlight, raised his arm to summon it with his Devil Fruit. The dagger immediately ripped the belt loop of ____’s pants and started to fly towards Kid, but ____ snatched it in midair and desperately clung to it as they planted their feet into the ground. 

“You are  _ such  _ an asshole,” ____ snapped, pulling with all their might against Kid’s magnetism. “Come on, just let me have this  _ one thing  _ and you can have literally EVERYTHING ELSE WE GOT TODAY!”

Kid clenched his fist and pulled his arm back further, but ____ stubbornly refused to back down as their heels dragged on the wood of the deck. “Captain” Kid doesn’t get told what to do by anyone, not even his s/o. And what he wants, he  _ gets _ \--even if it’s one blade amidst the small mountain of loot he and his crew had taken aboard the Victoria Punk. He barked out a harsh laugh as ____ struggled in vain to pull back against the force of Kid’s Devil Fruit, and he saw his s/o’s features distort into an angry scowl as they gritted their teeth and yanked their arms back to pull the dagger in the opposite direction of Kid. 

____ glared at Kid as he watched them struggle, and suddenly an idea came to their mind. If Kid was pulling at this dagger with that much magnetism, and they were causing more resistance by pulling back...would letting go cause the dagger to fly towards him in a kind of slingshot effect? They smirked mischievously, eager to see the look on Kid’s stupid (and handsome, but right now they were too pissed to acknowledge that) face when the blade and scabbard collided into him, ideally right between his eyes so he could get some humility knocked into him. ____ suddenly let go of the dagger completely and watched with glee as it shot across the deck of the ship; instead of hitting him in the face, however, it sailed lower and hit the Supernova squarely in the middle of his pelvis. Kid stumbled back a bit and his eyes widened in surprise before they squeezed shut as the full pain of a dagger (thankfully in its sheath) hitting a man in the balls washed over him like a riptide current, pulling him from reality and into a world of pain--of true, testicle-related Hell. “Fuuuuuuuck…” He let out a hiss of pain as he cursed and clenched his jaw. For a few moments, he was silent--a seriously rare thing for Eustass Kid to be.

Killer, Heat, and Wire looked on with wide eyes and the three of them stood in place with crates of loot in their arms. Even if they were nowhere near the point of impact, the three of them winced and cringed sympathetically at seeing their captain so cruelly assaulted...and trying not to smile or laugh afterwards, considering it  _ was  _ his own fault. ____’s mouth dropped open as they goggled at Kid; they were wanting to bruise his pride, yes, but... _ damn.  _

“Ow,” Kid wheezed, gritting his teeth as he stubbornly refused to let his knees fall to the ground. He moved his mechanical arm to protect his lower body from any more injury and glared at ____ (and desperately blinking away the instinctive tears of pain welling up in his eyes). “That was my  _ dick _ !” His voice was strangled, and it rose a bit in pitch at the end of his sentence.

____ immediately put a hand over their mouth and bit their finger to keep from laughing at how high Kid’s voice had become at the word “dick.” Kid noticed the corners of their mouth immediately turning into a smile and he glared at them, baring his teeth like a feral animal. ____ took a step forward and held their hands out defensively, trying to calm Kid down and take a diplomatic approach. “Okay,” they started carefully, “So first of all, I need you to know that I did  _ not  _ mean for you to get hit....there.” They took another step forward as Kid remained uncharacteristically silent. “And second…” They licked their lips nervously. “I know this is probably the worst time to ask, but...do you still want the dagger?”

Kid narrowed his eyes, and then sighed through his nose as he continued to glare at them. Without breaking eye contact, he awkwardly shuffled a bit in his hunched-over position and sent the sheathed dagger across the deck with his magnetism as he shoved his arm forward. It skidded over the wooden planks and collided with ____’s pinky toe. “Oh, shit,” Kid muttered, apparently surprised when the blade had smashed into his s/o’s foot with how harshly he’d sent it to them. When he watched as ____’s eyes immediately welled up and they fell on one knee like they’d been shot on a battlefield, the immature, egotistical part of him felt a bit of pleasure amidst the dulling echo of pain in his balls. At least now, they were even.


End file.
